Buyer Beware.

I must look like a real gullible shopper. I swear, I get approached daily to buy trinkets and knick-knacks and currently, I’m just not in the market. I have very little cash on hand. As a matter of fact, I don’t carry my wallet on me because frankly, there’s nowhere to go and nothing to spend it on.

The front door to the cunny-chuck is literally 18 steps away from the Village Store. This I know because I just hit pause on iTunes and stepped it off. Ironically, none of these trinkets are available at the Village Store. So, maybe I am missing out on an opportunity here. While on a very brisk walk this afternoon, a fella called to me from his front porch. I recognized him from my visit with Rolling Stone at the airport last week. He was hawking his goods to the crew and introduced himself to me then. Today, he invited me in to his house. I accepted.

The house was tidy. Something was playing on the TV. It was not unlike any other house in America. Tidy, spacious and welcoming. My host lead me in to his laundry room where he had been steadily producing Eskimo masks out of whale vertebrae and polar bear fur.  I asked him if he carved with a Dremel. He laughed and showed me the tools of the trade. I hoped for a second that he was just “Showing Me” his workshop but he wasn’t. Today must have been the great Labor Day Sale because he offered me a chance of a lifetime. What, he says, normally goes for $400 was going to be sold today at a price that couldn’t be beat.

If after relocation, Kivalina ever gets a used car lot. I know who will be the first Used Car Salesman. This guy had the pitch down perfect. He even tugged at my heartstrings and drug out a story of his wife in Wasilla needing money so he could get her home to Kivalina. But there in his schpeel, he offered me a way out. I showed him my wedding ring and told him that my wife expects me to send her money in Minnesota just like his does in Wasilla.

I admired his many works of art. I honestly did. But I have no place for a giant whale vertebrae and maybe someday before I head back to Minnesota I’ll pick up a trinket or two to remind me of my time in KIVLs. But for now, even after hearing the 50% off clearance price… even today when Larry dropped it from $400 to $80….even today while walking out the door and hearing his final offer of $60 American Bones – I still said, “No, but thank you for showing me.”

Larry asked me is he should swing by Teacher Housing tomorrow.

I don’t need Mammoth Teeth – I’m not an archaeologist.

I don’t need a Tusk – walrus, elephant, mammoth or other – I want to get through TSA again someday.

I am not a collector of dolls – not Inupiaq or otherwise.

I do like fish hooks – but the “ivory” one Jeremiah offered was covered in rust and a pitiful attempt at drawing 40 bucks from me so he could partake in some medicinal marijuana.

I don’t need to buy any blackberries even if they’ll help an upset stomach.

No blueberries.

Not an Ulu.

Nothing for now  - thanks.

I’m waiting on the SCHWANS man to come by.